[TOP 5’S] UNNECESSARILY BRAGGADOCIOUS DICK LYRICS
In the latest installment in our Top 5’s series, Viper’s deputy editor, Lauryn Tomlinson, explores the five most ridiculous lyrics featuring rappers bragging about the size of their penis.
Challenged by Viper’s editor, Lily Mercer, to come up with my own Top 5 list, the first thing that came into my head was, “Lyrics that feature a rapper talking hyperbolically about how big his dick is for no apparent reason,” which potentially says more about me than I’d like it to. As I desperately tried to intellectualise this choice to myself, I identified two things I admire about this particular breed of self-promotion.
First, one of my favourite things in life is people being unapologetically boastful about things they know they excel at – I’ve never been one for false modesty so I love people who are the shit and will happily admit they’re the shit. And conversely, as a grown woman hearing teenage boys earnestly talk about how well-endowed they are is always amusing because – pro tip for all you struggle rappers – I immediately suspect you have the most average piece of all time. So although it is admittedly hard for me to personally verify if J. Cole’s dick really is the size of his foot, let’s explore my favourite testosterone-fuelled boasts of all time…
DJ Louis Slipperz ft Jehst, Mystro and Braintax
‘Fingers Deep in the Weedsack’
This song is the genesis for my love of over-the-top penis boasts, so it seems fitting to start here. A great song in general from UK hip hop’s golden era, when all the best songs were on DJ Louis Slipperz’s ‘£10 bag’ mixtapes, the song reaches its apex in my opinion on Mystro’s verse. ‘If a man’s ride represents the size of his penis, I need a limo version of one of those wide-bodied beamers’ – mic drop, he’s done.
Jeremih ft J. Cole
From my first braggadocios-dick-lyric love to the most recent, this for me is pretty much the peak of hyperbolic dick language. How is it possible, in a song that contains the immortal question, “Have you ever read the world is yours on a blimp?” for such a lyric to be topped? And all it took was J. Cole lazily stating, “Dick so big it’s like a foot is in your mouth.” I say stating because he barely raps it, he wants you to hear every word of that sentence and for that thought to marinade in your mind for as long as possible. Three cheers to him for leaving me with the mental image of him half-heartedly stuffing his heel into the anonymous bae’s mouth.
‘Freaks and Geeks’
This song contains, as far as I’m concerned, the most pure and unadulterated example of an unnecessary dick boast that has ever existed. Apropos of absolutely NOTHING, he causally drops, “An elephant never forgets, so my dick remembers everything.” APROPOS OF NOTHING. For this boastful lyric, for choosing your rap name based on the Wu-Tang rap name generator and for your writing on 30 Rock, Childish Gambino I salute you.
Wati Heru x Kashaka
‘New Blue Hunnids’
I almost didn’t include this song in the list as the song is pretty sexual, which completely negates the point of having an ‘unnecessary big dick quote’. For it to be a quintessentially unnecessary big dick quote, the line has to pop up out of nowhere, and preferably have nothing to do with anything else in the song. However I have a lot of love for the line, “My dick ’bout as long as the arm of the law,” because it’s so incredibly vague. How long is the arm of the law Wati??? Are you boasting or preparing us or the worst, I need to know!
A$AP Rocky ft Kendrick Lamar,Joey Bada$$,YelaWolf, Danny Brown, Action Bronson & Big K.R.I.T
This song has to be included for having a lyric about dicks that ends in the word Venus but DOESN’T use the word penis. Pure poetry and incredible bravery. Danny Brown is the rapper responsible for this greatness, spitting “Dick so big, stretch from Earth to Venus,” which is, frankly, terrifying and would surely end in some kind of internal bleeding – if not death. Special shout out to this verse for also including the line ‘Bitch pussy smell like a penguin,” which… I don’t know, compliment or insult? Answers on a postcard please.
Words by Lauryn Tomlinson